Aries: Germany. Aggressive, intelligent, assertive, confident. Devilishly attractive. Innovative. Doesn’t always play well with others. Intolerant. Likes beer and sausage.
Taurus: Italy. Loves to eat and sleep. Does very little but eat and sleep. When not eating or sleeping, they’re having sex. Wakes up. Eats. Goes to work. Eats. Takes a break. Imagines coworker naked. Takes a nap. Eats. Leaves early. Eats. Tries to have sex. Ends up having pasta. Sleeps.
Gemini: North Korea. Cunning. Secretive. Scary. Wonky in the head. Builds walls to keep people out. Reckless. Dishonest. Thinks everyone likes them. Over-estimates their own intelligence. Tells everyone they’re about to launch an amazing rocket; the rocket breaks.
Cancer: France. Whiny. Romantic. Self-absorbed. Childish. “Why did you get the last crepe? I wanted the last crepe! Life isn’t fairrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!”
Leo: The United States. Boastful, self-righteous, proud, egocentric. Always thinks they’re right. Takes what they want. Tendency towards gluttony. Bad manners are forgiven for their singular charm and devastating good looks.
Virgo: The United Kingdom. Classy, particular, proper, intellectual. Detail-oriented. Controlling and meddling. Will invite you over for tea and biscuits, but NO CRUMBS.
Libra: Egypt. The Egyptians liked scales. When you died, a dog-god weighted your heart on a scale to see if you were good or evil. Fuck yeah, scales are important.
Scorpio: Mexico. Mexico?! Yes, Mexico!! Spiritual, sensual and dark, dichotomous; salsa dancing and the Day of the Dead, gangs and homemade tamales, tequila and family. Sensitive. Emotional. Dynamic.
Sagittarius: Russia. Intelligent, but hampered by the inability to be responsible/sober. Drinks often. Is creative, but in a sulky, politically oppressed kind of way. Eats often. Overindulges. Gets rowdy. Selective memory.
Capricorn: Japan. Efficient and distinguished. Perfectionist. Workaholic. Overachiever. Yet sophisticated, soulful, wise, and appreciative of the delicate things in life. A little strange. Meticulous. Drinks tea, but is too busy for yoga.
Aquarius: Cuba. Socialist. Free healthcare. Donates to foreign aid. Believes in helping people. Island vibe. Likes music and relaxation. Wears bright, happy colors. Exotic. Lives simply.
Pisces: New Zealand. Highly intelligent. Unusual. Likes Lord of the Rings. Interested in wildlife preservation. Open to different lifestyles. Crazy, in a good way. High literacy rate. Loves the beach.